Do I write?

So life keeps happening. All around me, new life is born, flowers bloom from soaked soil, homes repainted, churches updated, passions uncovered. Life, lived, happening.

But here I am again, it has surely been too long. I haven't written. I haven't shared. Because there is so much to share. So much to process. So much pain that I want left untouched, but life keeps happening. So maybe I keep writing. I have been nudged a few times by various people from various walks of life, to write. To share. To help put words to their hurts and pains and grief, through my own. Because we all know those times, those people who have written their hurts and pains and griefs and it cut to our core, and we FELT again. We let our pain come out, because someone dared to be honest, and it spoke. So do I write?

I think I am ready. I think I need to be ready, either way. And maybe my words with reach your heart. And maybe they will reach my own. And somehow we will trudge through this life together with words written.

Needing This Today. Everyday.

He giveth more grace.

He giveth more grace when the burdens grow greater,

He sendeth more strength when the labors increase;

To added affliction He addeth His mercy;

To multiplied trials, His multiplied peace.

When we have exhausted our store of endurance,

When our strength has failed ere the day is half done,

When we reach the end of our hoarded resources,

Our Father’s full giving is only begun.

Fear not that thy need shall exceed His provision,

Our God ever yearns His resources to share;

Lean hard on the arm everlasting, availing;

The Father both thee and thy load will upbear.

His love has no limit; His grace has no measure.

His pow’r has no boundary known unto men;

For out of His infinite riches in Jesus,

He giveth, and giveth, and giveth again!

~Annie Johnson Flint~ 

“And He said unto me, My grace is sufficient for you; for my power is made perfect in weakness. Therefore I will boast all the more gladly in my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me.” ~ 2 Corinthians 12:9

The Great Silence

My silence here has none been due to "writer's block" or "not knowing what to say"...

It's because I have TOO MUCH to say.

So much has happened in these last 6 months of being home. Yesterday makes it 6 months.

It doens't feel real, but it does.

It doesn't feel like home, but it is.

It doesn't feel bad, but it hurts.

It isn't lonely, but it is.

The list.goes.on.

Here I am stuck within the new reality of our lives, still feeling like I am spinning. This new reality that we are no longer in Seattle, no longer on that road. No longer taking on a new town. No longer "just the two of us". We are back to the familiar, the circus of LA. Back to the feeling of never ending events. Back to the blessing of business, of friends and family, of celebrations, of football games and weddings and birthdays and church celebrations and on and on the blessings go.

But can I tell you something friends?
It doens't feel like blessings.
It feels like I want to stomp my feet and pound my fists and scream to everyone that I am dissatisfied. I want to take my yucky attitude and spread it all around. I want to shout my ungratefulness from the mountain tops.

But the good thing is, God won't let me. Thankfully.
How stubborn and rotten my heart is. How selfish and childish and unrelenting.
If you think I am being harsh, I wish you could see the depth of my pettiness right now.

Friends, my heart is sad. (I don't feel good writing it but it's true).
I find that I am grieving so many things that I just have a bad attitude. worse than bad. Thankfully God works in spite of us. Thankfully he knows our emotional games. He knows all of our plays. This isn't cat and mouse. Not with Him.

I want so bad to just sit in my mess and cry-no-sulk-no-hit things-no-pout. I can go on and on. I'm unhappy that my "plans" changed. That my mother in law is sick. That my bubble has been burst and I am forced to see the world, to see life so differently. I am sad because I live in the questions of what ifs. I am sad because I my little world I built up in my head isn't my reality. I am sad because I didn't get what I wanted how I want it. And man I am just being a brat about it.

That is the honest truth. The best thing about truth is, God's truth reveals that my truth isn't really truth to begin with! Say what?

My truth is my perception of my scenario and my refusal to see God's workmanship in my life.
This "truth" of my situation is not truth. It's a slide of a clip of a part of a movie that is so much bigger. I am thankful for that. He has so much more going on than the pitty party I keep playing myself. He keeps showering me with joys, whether I want them or not. With friendship, with family, with jobs, with bible studies, with outreach, with volunteer ministry, with opportunities, with kind words, with sunshine, with food and water and shelter. The good news is NOTHING can rain on God's parade. Not my selfishness, not my foolishness, not my anger, not my hurts, not my anything.

So while I have sat and sat and sat some more in this silence, having so much to say, so much to write, so much to feel, he has filled that with Himself. He is here. He is present. He has greater things for me. He wipes my tears and filth and prunes the rotten fruit from my tree, and he nudges me to keep on moving. Keep pulling apples off the tree and giving them to others. Keeps asking me to be a blessing. Keeps asking me to give. Keeps asking me to lead. Keeps asking me to pray. Keeps asking me to be the same me that was "following my plans" there, here.

And so I will. No more silence. No more rotten fruit.

I am here. I am present. I want to be a blessing. That is the only way out of this silence.

Pray with me friends. What is God pushing you through today? This week? This month? This year? I'd love to hear it. I love you, God loves you, and you are so special. Please know it? Thanks.

Enough.

O God, you are my God,

I earnestly seek you;

my soul thirsts for you, 

my body longs for you,

in a dry and weary land

where there is not water.

I have seen you in the sanctuary

and beheld your power and your glory.

Because your love is better than life,

my lips will glorify you.

I will praise you as long as I live,

and in your name I will lift up my hands.

My soul will be satisfied as with the 

richest of foods;

with singing lips my mouth will praise you. 

Psalm 63:1-5

Not enough words. Not enough energy. Not enough time to process. That is where I am at. Praying that I can learn to rest in the Healer. Redeemer. I don't want to move through the motions numb. Pray for balance. For joy. For life.

Home

It has been a little over a week since Kevin and I moved home. We are staying in my parents house. How long? Who knows. Maybe until we can somewhat replenish our bank account?

We are thankful to be home, it still doesn't feel real or normal, and I keep forgetting we aren't going home to Seattle. And even that sounds weird, calling Seattle "home". And even though its not, it was. It was home for us when we got the news that we had two baby nephews on the way, and it was home as we prayed and waited for results that they would be healthy. It was home when we got the news that Kevin's mom had been diagnosed. It was home when Kevin decided not to be a Pastor. It was home when my brother was promoted to Captain. It was also home of our first snowstorm and unavoidable snowball fight. It was home of getting lost together, and deciding that for the rest of our marriage I am driving and he is navigating. It was home of new foods, running in rain, dreaming, weird dances, our first home, huge dog parks, and so much more.

And now that we are back, we are transitioning and working on looking forward to all that God has ahead for us. We are rethinking all of our "plans" and hoping to find God in all we do. We want to be present. I want to be present. Thankful. Peaceful. It will take some time, but we are indeed thankful to be home, our real home. Surrounded by family, and friends. Thankful for our time away and ready for our time home. At this point I'm rambling people.

Just pray for us and that we would be faithful to what God wants us to do at home. To be helpful and have servant hearts. We continue to pray for healing in Mary. He is able.

Enough.

[These days I find that I am at a loss to explain how I am feeling with all the uprooting and change we are going through right now- and this says it all. Thankful that the Lord knows my heart even when I cannot express it.]

And today, there was a Savior who paid my ransom with His blood, and it was enough.

It is always enough. Could I just remember? Could I just remember whose I am? Could I just remember the price He paid to live in me? And if Christ is in me, then can’t I find Him in all of these things too - the measles and the vomit, the flowers and the forgiveness and the toenails? Knowing that in all circumstances He is enough and He is working to draw me closer to Him, I praise Him for the good in the hardest of days.

Jesus, you are enough.

You were enough to atone for this ugly sin that wanted to separate. You are enough to fill in the gaps, fill all my holes, make up my lack. My flesh screams, “I can’t go on, I don’t have enough! Not enough strength, not enough patience, not enough…” And I wouldn’t, but I have You. And in You, I have enough and more than enough, Father of abundance, Giver of endless blessings.

I can pour out because I know you fill up. I drink from a well that never runs dry. You are abundantly available to me, ever drawing me closer. You call me into communion with you and I am filled with your life over flowing even in the driest, hardest of seasons. You exchange my lack for your abundance, Christ in me the only hope of glory. Christ in me is enough. Christ with me is enough. Christ on that cross and risen for me is enough. You are enough, Jesus.

And the Word became flesh and dwelt among us, and we have seen His GLORY, glory as of the only Son from the Father, full of grace and truth. From His fullness, we have all received grace upon grace. John 1:14,16

He is faithful.

This is what I know: He is faithful. He is before all things and in Him all things hold together. He gives and He takes away. And as I humbly ask you for your prayers, I will bless His name.

O Lord, you are my God; I will exalt you and praise your name, for in perfect faithfulness you have done marvelous things, things planned long ago.

I adore You, perfect, faithful God.

You have been a refuge for the poor, a refuge for the needy in his distress, a shelter from the storm and a shade from heat.

I adore You God, my refuge, my shelter, my hiding place.

On this mountain the Lord Almighty will prepare a feast of rich food for all peoples, a banquet of aged wine - the best of meats and the finest of wines.

I adore You, extravagant, gift-lavishing Father.

On this mountain He will destroy the shroud that enfolds all peoples, the sheet that covers nations; He will swallow up death forever.

I adore you Oh, God! Our redeemer and Savior!

The Sovereign Lord will wipe away the tears from all faces; He will remove the disgrace of His people from all the earth.

I adore you, Oh God my comfort, the lifter of my head.

In that day we will say, "Surely this is our God; we trusted Him and He saved us! This is the Lord, we trusted in him; let us rejoice and be glad in His salvation."

I adore You, Lord, my trustworthy, promise-keeping Savior.