My silence here has none been due to "writer's block" or "not knowing what to say"...
It's because I have TOO MUCH to say.
So much has happened in these last 6 months of being home. Yesterday makes it 6 months.
It doens't feel real, but it does.
It doesn't feel like home, but it is.
It doesn't feel bad, but it hurts.
It isn't lonely, but it is.
The list.goes.on.
Here I am stuck within the new reality of our lives, still feeling like I am spinning. This new reality that we are no longer in Seattle, no longer on that road. No longer taking on a new town. No longer "just the two of us". We are back to the familiar, the circus of LA. Back to the feeling of never ending events. Back to the blessing of business, of friends and family, of celebrations, of football games and weddings and birthdays and church celebrations and on and on the blessings go.
But can I tell you something friends?
It doens't feel like blessings.
It feels like I want to stomp my feet and pound my fists and scream to everyone that I am dissatisfied. I want to take my yucky attitude and spread it all around. I want to shout my ungratefulness from the mountain tops.
But the good thing is, God won't let me. Thankfully.
How stubborn and rotten my heart is. How selfish and childish and unrelenting.
If you think I am being harsh, I wish you could see the depth of my pettiness right now.
Friends, my heart is sad. (I don't feel good writing it but it's true).
I find that I am grieving so many things that I just have a bad attitude. worse than bad. Thankfully God works in spite of us. Thankfully he knows our emotional games. He knows all of our plays. This isn't cat and mouse. Not with Him.
I want so bad to just sit in my mess and cry-no-sulk-no-hit things-no-pout. I can go on and on. I'm unhappy that my "plans" changed. That my mother in law is sick. That my bubble has been burst and I am forced to see the world, to see life so differently. I am sad because I live in the questions of what ifs. I am sad because I my little world I built up in my head isn't my reality. I am sad because I didn't get what I wanted how I want it. And man I am just being a brat about it.
That is the honest truth. The best thing about truth is, God's truth reveals that my truth isn't really truth to begin with! Say what?
My truth is my perception of my scenario and my refusal to see God's workmanship in my life.
This "truth" of my situation is not truth. It's a slide of a clip of a part of a movie that is so much bigger. I am thankful for that. He has so much more going on than the pitty party I keep playing myself. He keeps showering me with joys, whether I want them or not. With friendship, with family, with jobs, with bible studies, with outreach, with volunteer ministry, with opportunities, with kind words, with sunshine, with food and water and shelter. The good news is NOTHING can rain on God's parade. Not my selfishness, not my foolishness, not my anger, not my hurts, not my anything.
So while I have sat and sat and sat some more in this silence, having so much to say, so much to write, so much to feel, he has filled that with Himself. He is here. He is present. He has greater things for me. He wipes my tears and filth and prunes the rotten fruit from my tree, and he nudges me to keep on moving. Keep pulling apples off the tree and giving them to others. Keeps asking me to be a blessing. Keeps asking me to give. Keeps asking me to lead. Keeps asking me to pray. Keeps asking me to be the same me that was "following my plans" there, here.
And so I will. No more silence. No more rotten fruit.
I am here. I am present. I want to be a blessing. That is the only way out of this silence.
Pray with me friends. What is God pushing you through today? This week? This month? This year? I'd love to hear it. I love you, God loves you, and you are so special. Please know it? Thanks.
Showing posts with label change. Show all posts
Showing posts with label change. Show all posts
Tuesday, October 9, 2012
Sunday, January 29, 2012
So I'm on a journey.
Okay. So I am on this journey.
This journey that God keeps calling me to. This journey that I know is going to change my life and the way I live it dramatically. Even though I keep looking away from it, I know it is going to happen. God is calling me, convicting me, bringing things into my awareness that I cannot avoid. And I just feel it. Have you ever felt like that? That you were on the brink of change? That you were so close to something big that you got goosebumps for no reason? Well that is the place I am at.
It feels good. and it feels scary. It feels like I am acknowledging that God is asking me to give up. GIve up all that I have made valuable in my life. Give up the worth I have placed on things. stuff. ideals. dreams. He is telling me that He will bring he new dreams. better dreams. And as I state the obvious to you, it still sounds like some extreme thing. right? Wrong. God calls us throughout the entire Bible to cast our idols aside and have no other God but him.
"Colleen stop being so extreme, so dramatic, God gave us these things to enjoy!"
Enjoying something God gave you, and putting something before God (either with time, devotion to that thing, or the use of that thing to avoid God) are entirely different.
Yes. God made the earth for us to inhabit and use. But he commands us not to have idols. And boy have we turned every last thing into an idol on this earth. I know for certain I am not the only one who has. Whether we are aware of it or not- we have. We have put value, worth, time, money into the entertaining, the flashy, the new, the bigger and better, the material. The things that will rot and rust and fade into the earth. Obviously I know this is not a new thing. Since the fall we have placed value on almost everything we can instead of God alone. I know that I am not speaking words that are changing you to your core right now. These are not new thoughts. We know them. Yet we fail miserably at correcting them. Selfishly, lustfully, jealously, we fail.
I just wrote and deleted and rewrote and deleted again the list of excuses we make about why we don't do the things we are called to do, and the real reasons we arent willing to make the sacrifices and changes. I deleted them because I not only do not want to condemn others, but I dont want to condemn myself as well. That won't help. We need to channel Gods love and incredible grace as the means to change our focus and fulfill the emptiness we continue to cram other idols into (i.e. computer, tv, cars, clothes, make up, food, sex, gossip, status) into the place that only God can fill, because only God created us and knows us and made us to be with Him. Only God can change us. Condemnation of the self and others will not. Does that mean we should make excuses- NO. Does it mean that we should not repent and ask for God's forgiveness for putting worthless crap above Him- NO. We must ask. Does it mean we should wait until we FEEL we can overcome these obstacles- NO. We will never feel that way. That is the problem. We will always desire the instant gratification that those stated previously bring to us. We will always want an instant feeling or distraction that idols bring into our lives. And so presents our great need for God's grace and healing touch. Only He can change us. Fulfill us. Make us new.
You can buy new clothes, drive a new car, live in a bigger and better house, you can even become a different person with all the surgeries in the world for your external body. But you will remain the same inside. Only God can change who we are internally. Only God can empower us to take those steps. And I trust that He will. I pray that He will. I need Him too. You need Him to. He has so much more for our lives than what we think life is about.
So why am I saying all of this? I'm not sure. God put it on my heart to write about. And so I will. I hope you read it as an encouraging challenge and not annoying. My intention is to write about things that I have struggled with, and if I do, I am certain there is at least one, and probably many more that struggle with similar things (since we see it throughout the Bible and our history). So please hear my heart. I can only trust that God will use my words to encourage someone, somewhere. To make you think. To make me think. To help me grow.
Here are the scriptures that God has placed in front of me, addressing some of these issues I have been working on.
Matthew 23: 25-28
" Woe to you, teachers of the law and Pharisees, you hypocrites! You clean the outside of the cup and dish, but inside they are full of greed and self-indulgence. Blind Pharisee! First clean the inside of the cup and dish, and then the outside also will be clean. We to you teachers of the law and Pharisees. You are like whitewashed tombs, which look beautiful on the outside but on the inside are full of dead men's bones and everything unclean. In the same way, on the outside you appear to people as righteous, but on the inside you are full of hypocrisy and wickedness."
Matthew 6:2-4, 19-24
" Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy, and where thieves break in and steal. But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moth and rust do not break in and steal. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.
The eye is the lamp of the body. If your eyes are good, your whole body will be full of light. But if your eyes are bad, your whole body will be full of darkness. If then the light within you is darkness, how great is that darkness.
No one can serve two masters. Either he will hate the one and love the other, or he will be devoted to the one and despise the other. You cannot serve both God and Money."
" So when you give to the needy, do not announce it with trumpets, as the hypocrits do in the synagogues and on the streets, to be honored by men. I tell you the truth they have received their reward in full. But when you give to they needy, do not let your left hand know what your right hand is doing, so that your giving may be in secret. Then your Father, who sees what is done in secret, will reward you.
Luke 12: 32-34 (Read Luke 12 in its entirety to get a better glimpse of the story)
"Do not be afraid, little flock, for your Father has been please to give you the kingdom. Sell your possessions and give to the poor. Provide purses for yourselves that will not wear out, a treasure in heaven that will not be exhausted, where no thief comes near and no moth destroys. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also."
He is calling me over and over to make this change. To get to my basics. To sell those things that are excess and that I have put too much worth in. So I am writing it here- so you will see and hold me accountable. I am going to create an account to sell some stuff and the money I have made, I am going to donate it to a few places. I will let you know what the next step is. I am also going to plan a six month devotional through the Bible. I will post on how I am doing it so if you want to join me, you can! Please pray for me in this situation. I have much more to write on this topic. Thank you friends.
This journey that God keeps calling me to. This journey that I know is going to change my life and the way I live it dramatically. Even though I keep looking away from it, I know it is going to happen. God is calling me, convicting me, bringing things into my awareness that I cannot avoid. And I just feel it. Have you ever felt like that? That you were on the brink of change? That you were so close to something big that you got goosebumps for no reason? Well that is the place I am at.
It feels good. and it feels scary. It feels like I am acknowledging that God is asking me to give up. GIve up all that I have made valuable in my life. Give up the worth I have placed on things. stuff. ideals. dreams. He is telling me that He will bring he new dreams. better dreams. And as I state the obvious to you, it still sounds like some extreme thing. right? Wrong. God calls us throughout the entire Bible to cast our idols aside and have no other God but him.
"Colleen stop being so extreme, so dramatic, God gave us these things to enjoy!"
Enjoying something God gave you, and putting something before God (either with time, devotion to that thing, or the use of that thing to avoid God) are entirely different.
Yes. God made the earth for us to inhabit and use. But he commands us not to have idols. And boy have we turned every last thing into an idol on this earth. I know for certain I am not the only one who has. Whether we are aware of it or not- we have. We have put value, worth, time, money into the entertaining, the flashy, the new, the bigger and better, the material. The things that will rot and rust and fade into the earth. Obviously I know this is not a new thing. Since the fall we have placed value on almost everything we can instead of God alone. I know that I am not speaking words that are changing you to your core right now. These are not new thoughts. We know them. Yet we fail miserably at correcting them. Selfishly, lustfully, jealously, we fail.
I just wrote and deleted and rewrote and deleted again the list of excuses we make about why we don't do the things we are called to do, and the real reasons we arent willing to make the sacrifices and changes. I deleted them because I not only do not want to condemn others, but I dont want to condemn myself as well. That won't help. We need to channel Gods love and incredible grace as the means to change our focus and fulfill the emptiness we continue to cram other idols into (i.e. computer, tv, cars, clothes, make up, food, sex, gossip, status) into the place that only God can fill, because only God created us and knows us and made us to be with Him. Only God can change us. Condemnation of the self and others will not. Does that mean we should make excuses- NO. Does it mean that we should not repent and ask for God's forgiveness for putting worthless crap above Him- NO. We must ask. Does it mean we should wait until we FEEL we can overcome these obstacles- NO. We will never feel that way. That is the problem. We will always desire the instant gratification that those stated previously bring to us. We will always want an instant feeling or distraction that idols bring into our lives. And so presents our great need for God's grace and healing touch. Only He can change us. Fulfill us. Make us new.
You can buy new clothes, drive a new car, live in a bigger and better house, you can even become a different person with all the surgeries in the world for your external body. But you will remain the same inside. Only God can change who we are internally. Only God can empower us to take those steps. And I trust that He will. I pray that He will. I need Him too. You need Him to. He has so much more for our lives than what we think life is about.
So why am I saying all of this? I'm not sure. God put it on my heart to write about. And so I will. I hope you read it as an encouraging challenge and not annoying. My intention is to write about things that I have struggled with, and if I do, I am certain there is at least one, and probably many more that struggle with similar things (since we see it throughout the Bible and our history). So please hear my heart. I can only trust that God will use my words to encourage someone, somewhere. To make you think. To make me think. To help me grow.
Here are the scriptures that God has placed in front of me, addressing some of these issues I have been working on.
Matthew 23: 25-28
" Woe to you, teachers of the law and Pharisees, you hypocrites! You clean the outside of the cup and dish, but inside they are full of greed and self-indulgence. Blind Pharisee! First clean the inside of the cup and dish, and then the outside also will be clean. We to you teachers of the law and Pharisees. You are like whitewashed tombs, which look beautiful on the outside but on the inside are full of dead men's bones and everything unclean. In the same way, on the outside you appear to people as righteous, but on the inside you are full of hypocrisy and wickedness."
Matthew 6:2-4, 19-24
" Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy, and where thieves break in and steal. But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moth and rust do not break in and steal. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.
The eye is the lamp of the body. If your eyes are good, your whole body will be full of light. But if your eyes are bad, your whole body will be full of darkness. If then the light within you is darkness, how great is that darkness.
No one can serve two masters. Either he will hate the one and love the other, or he will be devoted to the one and despise the other. You cannot serve both God and Money."
" So when you give to the needy, do not announce it with trumpets, as the hypocrits do in the synagogues and on the streets, to be honored by men. I tell you the truth they have received their reward in full. But when you give to they needy, do not let your left hand know what your right hand is doing, so that your giving may be in secret. Then your Father, who sees what is done in secret, will reward you.
Luke 12: 32-34 (Read Luke 12 in its entirety to get a better glimpse of the story)
"Do not be afraid, little flock, for your Father has been please to give you the kingdom. Sell your possessions and give to the poor. Provide purses for yourselves that will not wear out, a treasure in heaven that will not be exhausted, where no thief comes near and no moth destroys. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also."
He is calling me over and over to make this change. To get to my basics. To sell those things that are excess and that I have put too much worth in. So I am writing it here- so you will see and hold me accountable. I am going to create an account to sell some stuff and the money I have made, I am going to donate it to a few places. I will let you know what the next step is. I am also going to plan a six month devotional through the Bible. I will post on how I am doing it so if you want to join me, you can! Please pray for me in this situation. I have much more to write on this topic. Thank you friends.
Saturday, August 20, 2011
Awakening
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