A song and a story.

Music has such an incredible way of transforming time. We hear a song, and in an instant, we are back to a particular moment in time, nothing else needed but a few notes.

For me, there are so many pivotal moments that music changed my life, or the opposite, my life was changing and a certain song was on or was played for me and it will be forever melded. The song, "Come to me" is one of them. For better or worse, it will forever be a part of me, at my core.

The day I found out my mom had cancer, she had ended up in the hospital for a complication from post surgery medication. At that time they hadn't told us that she had a tumor, because they were waiting on results, and didn't want to scare us. But there she was in the hospital anyways, so my parents decided to tell us. We cried. Obviously, we cried hard. My mom being the person she was, tried to console us, she drew me in close and told me that God had been putting a song over her heart, and she wanted to play it for me. I tried to tell her no, many times, and finally she firmly yet softly said, "Colleen, I need you to listen to this song." I agreed.  We cried more. Only the strong point us to Christ, in the presence of immediate crisis. Mom was that way. She was always directing my heart to Christ. Even at the cost of her life. She pointed it ALL to Christ. Please click the link and listen to the song, and read the lyrics. What a song.

Come to Me

"I am the Lord your God, I go before you now
I stand beside you, I’m all around you
Though you feel I’m far away, I’m closer than your breath
I am with you, more than you know

I am the Lord your peace, no evil will conquer you
Steady now your heart and mind, come into My rest
Oh, let your faith arise, lift up your weary head
I am with you wherever you go

Come to Me, I’m all you need.
Come to Me, I’m everything
Come to Me, I’m all you need.
Come to Me, I’m your everything

I am your anchor, in the wind and the waves
I am your steadfast, so don’t be afraid
Though your heart and flesh may fail you, I’m your faithful strength
I am with you wherever you go

Come to Me, I’m all you need.
Come to Me, I’m your everything
Come to Me, I’m all you need.
Come to Me, I’m your everything

Don’t look to the right or to the left but keep your eyes on Me
You will not be shaken, you will not be moved ooh
I am the hand to hold, I am the truth, I am the way
Just come to Me, come to Me, cause I’m all that you need"


It's this song that brings me back, every time. To that raw moment of despair, the moment I collapsed into their arms. That moment my mom knew. She knew that unlike anytime before, WE needed to come to the Lord, for this would be quite a hard road before us. 

What she didn't know and what makes this song even more incredible, is the faithfulness of God and the incredible ways he works. When my moms cancer came back, we knew we didn't have much time. She wanted to have a "good bye" party. Only she would. Two of my closest friends flew down to sing at the party. After the party, my mom let go. My friends wanted to sing at her bedside before they left, and my friend said God kept putting a song over her heart to sing. With no knowledge of the songs importance in my moms journey, she says "Have you heard of the song "Come to Me" by Bethel Music? I began to cry. I had chills. I told her the story, and we agreed it was the perfect song to sing. 

In those final weeks our house was so busy. So many people helping, so much to be done. But in this moment, the house went quiet, everyone stopped and sat and listened. Tears streaming down as we were blessed by the voices of angels pouring Gods truth over my mom. What a blessing. What a moment, to encounter at the end of my moms life, the song God gave her, was sung over her in her final days. I will never forget it. Ever. I am forever changed by this song, and I hope God uses it to change you as well.  

Do I write?

So life keeps happening. All around me, new life is born, flowers bloom from soaked soil, homes repainted, churches updated, passions uncovered. Life, lived, happening.

But here I am again, it has surely been too long. I haven't written. I haven't shared. Because there is so much to share. So much to process. So much pain that I want left untouched, but life keeps happening. So maybe I keep writing. I have been nudged a few times by various people from various walks of life, to write. To share. To help put words to their hurts and pains and grief, through my own. Because we all know those times, those people who have written their hurts and pains and griefs and it cut to our core, and we FELT again. We let our pain come out, because someone dared to be honest, and it spoke. So do I write?

I think I am ready. I think I need to be ready, either way. And maybe my words with reach your heart. And maybe they will reach my own. And somehow we will trudge through this life together with words written.

Needing This Today. Everyday.

He giveth more grace.

He giveth more grace when the burdens grow greater,

He sendeth more strength when the labors increase;

To added affliction He addeth His mercy;

To multiplied trials, His multiplied peace.

When we have exhausted our store of endurance,

When our strength has failed ere the day is half done,

When we reach the end of our hoarded resources,

Our Father’s full giving is only begun.

Fear not that thy need shall exceed His provision,

Our God ever yearns His resources to share;

Lean hard on the arm everlasting, availing;

The Father both thee and thy load will upbear.

His love has no limit; His grace has no measure.

His pow’r has no boundary known unto men;

For out of His infinite riches in Jesus,

He giveth, and giveth, and giveth again!

~Annie Johnson Flint~ 

“And He said unto me, My grace is sufficient for you; for my power is made perfect in weakness. Therefore I will boast all the more gladly in my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me.” ~ 2 Corinthians 12:9

The Great Silence

My silence here has none been due to "writer's block" or "not knowing what to say"...

It's because I have TOO MUCH to say.

So much has happened in these last 6 months of being home. Yesterday makes it 6 months.

It doens't feel real, but it does.

It doesn't feel like home, but it is.

It doesn't feel bad, but it hurts.

It isn't lonely, but it is.

The list.goes.on.

Here I am stuck within the new reality of our lives, still feeling like I am spinning. This new reality that we are no longer in Seattle, no longer on that road. No longer taking on a new town. No longer "just the two of us". We are back to the familiar, the circus of LA. Back to the feeling of never ending events. Back to the blessing of business, of friends and family, of celebrations, of football games and weddings and birthdays and church celebrations and on and on the blessings go.

But can I tell you something friends?
It doens't feel like blessings.
It feels like I want to stomp my feet and pound my fists and scream to everyone that I am dissatisfied. I want to take my yucky attitude and spread it all around. I want to shout my ungratefulness from the mountain tops.

But the good thing is, God won't let me. Thankfully.
How stubborn and rotten my heart is. How selfish and childish and unrelenting.
If you think I am being harsh, I wish you could see the depth of my pettiness right now.

Friends, my heart is sad. (I don't feel good writing it but it's true).
I find that I am grieving so many things that I just have a bad attitude. worse than bad. Thankfully God works in spite of us. Thankfully he knows our emotional games. He knows all of our plays. This isn't cat and mouse. Not with Him.

I want so bad to just sit in my mess and cry-no-sulk-no-hit things-no-pout. I can go on and on. I'm unhappy that my "plans" changed. That my mother in law is sick. That my bubble has been burst and I am forced to see the world, to see life so differently. I am sad because I live in the questions of what ifs. I am sad because I my little world I built up in my head isn't my reality. I am sad because I didn't get what I wanted how I want it. And man I am just being a brat about it.

That is the honest truth. The best thing about truth is, God's truth reveals that my truth isn't really truth to begin with! Say what?

My truth is my perception of my scenario and my refusal to see God's workmanship in my life.
This "truth" of my situation is not truth. It's a slide of a clip of a part of a movie that is so much bigger. I am thankful for that. He has so much more going on than the pitty party I keep playing myself. He keeps showering me with joys, whether I want them or not. With friendship, with family, with jobs, with bible studies, with outreach, with volunteer ministry, with opportunities, with kind words, with sunshine, with food and water and shelter. The good news is NOTHING can rain on God's parade. Not my selfishness, not my foolishness, not my anger, not my hurts, not my anything.

So while I have sat and sat and sat some more in this silence, having so much to say, so much to write, so much to feel, he has filled that with Himself. He is here. He is present. He has greater things for me. He wipes my tears and filth and prunes the rotten fruit from my tree, and he nudges me to keep on moving. Keep pulling apples off the tree and giving them to others. Keeps asking me to be a blessing. Keeps asking me to give. Keeps asking me to lead. Keeps asking me to pray. Keeps asking me to be the same me that was "following my plans" there, here.

And so I will. No more silence. No more rotten fruit.

I am here. I am present. I want to be a blessing. That is the only way out of this silence.

Pray with me friends. What is God pushing you through today? This week? This month? This year? I'd love to hear it. I love you, God loves you, and you are so special. Please know it? Thanks.

Enough.

O God, you are my God,

I earnestly seek you;

my soul thirsts for you, 

my body longs for you,

in a dry and weary land

where there is not water.

I have seen you in the sanctuary

and beheld your power and your glory.

Because your love is better than life,

my lips will glorify you.

I will praise you as long as I live,

and in your name I will lift up my hands.

My soul will be satisfied as with the 

richest of foods;

with singing lips my mouth will praise you. 

Psalm 63:1-5

Not enough words. Not enough energy. Not enough time to process. That is where I am at. Praying that I can learn to rest in the Healer. Redeemer. I don't want to move through the motions numb. Pray for balance. For joy. For life.

Home

It has been a little over a week since Kevin and I moved home. We are staying in my parents house. How long? Who knows. Maybe until we can somewhat replenish our bank account?

We are thankful to be home, it still doesn't feel real or normal, and I keep forgetting we aren't going home to Seattle. And even that sounds weird, calling Seattle "home". And even though its not, it was. It was home for us when we got the news that we had two baby nephews on the way, and it was home as we prayed and waited for results that they would be healthy. It was home when we got the news that Kevin's mom had been diagnosed. It was home when Kevin decided not to be a Pastor. It was home when my brother was promoted to Captain. It was also home of our first snowstorm and unavoidable snowball fight. It was home of getting lost together, and deciding that for the rest of our marriage I am driving and he is navigating. It was home of new foods, running in rain, dreaming, weird dances, our first home, huge dog parks, and so much more.

And now that we are back, we are transitioning and working on looking forward to all that God has ahead for us. We are rethinking all of our "plans" and hoping to find God in all we do. We want to be present. I want to be present. Thankful. Peaceful. It will take some time, but we are indeed thankful to be home, our real home. Surrounded by family, and friends. Thankful for our time away and ready for our time home. At this point I'm rambling people.

Just pray for us and that we would be faithful to what God wants us to do at home. To be helpful and have servant hearts. We continue to pray for healing in Mary. He is able.

Enough.

[These days I find that I am at a loss to explain how I am feeling with all the uprooting and change we are going through right now- and this says it all. Thankful that the Lord knows my heart even when I cannot express it.]

And today, there was a Savior who paid my ransom with His blood, and it was enough.

It is always enough. Could I just remember? Could I just remember whose I am? Could I just remember the price He paid to live in me? And if Christ is in me, then can’t I find Him in all of these things too - the measles and the vomit, the flowers and the forgiveness and the toenails? Knowing that in all circumstances He is enough and He is working to draw me closer to Him, I praise Him for the good in the hardest of days.

Jesus, you are enough.

You were enough to atone for this ugly sin that wanted to separate. You are enough to fill in the gaps, fill all my holes, make up my lack. My flesh screams, “I can’t go on, I don’t have enough! Not enough strength, not enough patience, not enough…” And I wouldn’t, but I have You. And in You, I have enough and more than enough, Father of abundance, Giver of endless blessings.

I can pour out because I know you fill up. I drink from a well that never runs dry. You are abundantly available to me, ever drawing me closer. You call me into communion with you and I am filled with your life over flowing even in the driest, hardest of seasons. You exchange my lack for your abundance, Christ in me the only hope of glory. Christ in me is enough. Christ with me is enough. Christ on that cross and risen for me is enough. You are enough, Jesus.

And the Word became flesh and dwelt among us, and we have seen His GLORY, glory as of the only Son from the Father, full of grace and truth. From His fullness, we have all received grace upon grace. John 1:14,16

He is faithful.

This is what I know: He is faithful. He is before all things and in Him all things hold together. He gives and He takes away. And as I humbly ask you for your prayers, I will bless His name.

O Lord, you are my God; I will exalt you and praise your name, for in perfect faithfulness you have done marvelous things, things planned long ago.

I adore You, perfect, faithful God.

You have been a refuge for the poor, a refuge for the needy in his distress, a shelter from the storm and a shade from heat.

I adore You God, my refuge, my shelter, my hiding place.

On this mountain the Lord Almighty will prepare a feast of rich food for all peoples, a banquet of aged wine - the best of meats and the finest of wines.

I adore You, extravagant, gift-lavishing Father.

On this mountain He will destroy the shroud that enfolds all peoples, the sheet that covers nations; He will swallow up death forever.

I adore you Oh, God! Our redeemer and Savior!

The Sovereign Lord will wipe away the tears from all faces; He will remove the disgrace of His people from all the earth.

I adore you, Oh God my comfort, the lifter of my head.

In that day we will say, "Surely this is our God; we trusted Him and He saved us! This is the Lord, we trusted in him; let us rejoice and be glad in His salvation."

I adore You, Lord, my trustworthy, promise-keeping Savior.

just whatever!

This entire week and a half has been a crazy roller coaster. I'm exhausted but at peace.

The LORD Yahweh is on the move.   SO LOOK OUT.

People. I just want to be wearing all this right now to distract myself.

this delicate top.

beautiful love and pink bracelets.

this hair.

these nails.

these pants.

Praying THIS

And we pray.

It has been a whirlwind of a week. We have been told that my mother in law has pancreatic cancer. We do not know enough yet and are waiting for more results from tests about whether or not it is operable and where it stands. So we pray. We give it all up to the Lord of all creation. To the mighty one, Healer. We give him glory and praise for all that he has given us, and ask that his mighty hand would bring healing. Miraculous healing. Pray with me friends. Pray with me.

These songs are my prayer right now.

Sunday Summary

So I'm thinking, depending on whether or not people will like this.... that just like I am trying to do a "Worship Wednesday" that maybe I will do a "Sunday Sermon Summary" or something less cheesy and painful to write. An easy way to track and share what I am learning during the week/at church with ya'll.  Maybe I will, maybe I won't but for today- I will. It seemed important.

Today Kevin and I decided we were going to go to church in the evening because he had some stuff he wanted to do that cut too close to when we usually go to church [a glorious 10:45 service]. And since we have been wanting to start looking for a church to go to [besides John Knox where I work- which we do like, but it a bit more focused on young families or older] that we can get more connected with, so we figured that would happen tonight.

The morning started off well, I got to sleep in which was glorious since I have been battling a NASTY head cold [I have literally gone through an entire box of tissues myself this week]. I met up with my Aunt and two cousins at the also glorious 50 acre dog park not too far away for some fun. [I've become one of them. I've become a dog person.] Came home, relaxed, and stumbled upon a blog post about "Counting the hours" that a friend posted about. I wanted to check it out, and although it turned out to be a post about the very real and daunting task of motherhood, it was a really important message about how God can and wants to meet us exactly where we are at, and provide exactly what we need. It may not be what we think is enough, it may not be how or when we want, but it will always be enough. HE is enough for us.

So as we went on our first "church hunt" [even though the term annoys me], I was wondering what God was going to teach me about today. There were many things that were distracting us before the sermon even started, and I knew the enemy wanted all these little things to bother us and keep us from hearing the message.  Kevin and I have a little bit of opposite taste in what we personally look for in a church. Kevin is entirely anti mega-church and tends to feel most comfortable in a traditional Presbyterian church, while I am more open to large churches with different worship styles or what not as long as there is strong Biblical teaching and theology. Immediately we felt a little out of place, since it was filled with entirely too many hipsters [or SPU students] and lots of trendy stuff [which makes Kevin want to leave/crack 1000 jokes], so we were not sure what we were in for. However, it was recommended by our friend who said it could be a good fit for both of us so we wanted to really give it a shot. And then they told us the pastor wouldn't be there, and we would be watching the recording from earlier since he had flew in really late the night before. We looked at each other, and I think both were thinking "this is going to be so lame, and this isn't a good fit anyways, so lets just go"- but we didn't. And I am so glad.

To keep it to the point [since I've already written so much without getting anywhere!] the sermon was on Psalm 107- in the desert- and the point the Psalmist was trying to get across: Bad things happen and is God still good even when this happens? The obvious answer to believers is "Yes, of course!" But he wanted us to think about why? And what the Psalmist was trying to point out, through the various happenings within the Psalm [please go read it] was that God is good, even when bad things happen, because although he can fix any and all bad things that come our way in life, because they will for various reasons, he listed three [1. we live in a fallen world so bad things happen 2. we act out our and turn from God choosing our own ways 3. other peoples do bad things against us intentionally] and even though he may not fix everything that is not the point, the point is that His goal is to fix us. Fix our hearts to turn and cry out to Him instead of trying to do it all on our own.

"Life" is going to happen, guaranteed, but the Psalmist encourages us, in whatever of the three reasons, to TURN TO GOD and CRY OUT TO HIM because HE is ENOUGH. He is good, and he wants to change our hearts into new people. He cares most about the quality and state of our hearts than our immediate comfort. Will he provide what we need? Yes. He says even the birds of the air have enough, so why do we worry?! Will it be how much we think we may need? Probably not. But the more we are in relationship with Him, the Living Water, the Bread of Life, we will have enough.

He is enough.

I needed that reminder today. Do you? God wants relationship with us. He wants us to seek Him above all else. He wants to change our hearts and mold us closer to His image. Isn't that amazing? So please know, whether you are a mother who doesn't get enough sleep, or a father who doesn't get enough recognition for your work, or a teenager who feels misunderstood, or a single man or woman who feels alone, or anyone who feels like what they have is not enough, you are right. On our own we do not. We cannot do it alone. But God, He loves you. He wants to provide for you. Seek Him. Read the Bible. Pray to Him and ask Him for new strength, new joy, new words, new meaning and see how you grow and change, and simply, have ENOUGH to get through today.

Worship Wednesday: Poetry & Song

[Beautiful. inspiring. encouraging. honest. truth. Written by my best friend. Read and enjoy.]

There was a day when worry would bring fears to me at night.

I would toss and turn and wonder

“Is what I’m doing right?”

Faced with the decisions and details of the day,

I would wait

I would wonder

I would hold my breath and pray…

But no longer will I worry that somehow I’ll let Him down

That I’ll choose the wrong direction

That I’ll somehow get me lost

That I’m failing

That I’m falling

That I can’t afford the cost

I’ve been freed from that prison

And I will not step back in

The details do not matter

As long as I’m with Him

When the question comes around again

As I know it’s bound to do,

“Where, Lord, should I go?”

And “What, Lord, shall I do?”

I hope my heart remembers

I hope my mind will know

I SERVE THE LORD WITH EVERY STEP

That is where I go.

I will never live for nothing

I will never be alone

The doors I close, I won’t regret

The ones I choose will be my own

When I step in a direction

I will find a victory

Every corner that I turn, an adventure there for me

My life will not be nothing

Won’t be small

Won’t be trite

I will live for something

Lord of GLORY; Lord of might!

My life is not my own now

It is yours

You breathe in me

I’ll let Jesus be ambitious

He will find the victory!!

Left alone, I might have squandered

Might mismanage or delay

But I am not in charge now

The Lord now has the say

He will not be conquered

He will not be made a fool

The Lord my God is Yahweh!!

My life is just the tool.

That sweet love of God.

If you need a pick me up. Watch this video.

Nothing cuter than my two little nephews singing away.

I. Love. it.

Check them out!

Just plain random.

I want about 6 kids. In my world I'd have carry four in my belly and two in my heart [i.e. adopt].

I wish I could dress like most of the girls in my preschool class. They make seriously such fun and colorful clothes for kids. And the only place that does that for adults is JCrew and that place is about my weeks pay check for two sweaters. sigh.

I had to seriously talk with my friend about whether or not to get a data plan on my new phone. For like 30 minutes. And when I went to the store (still torn) he made the decision easy for me. "You want your phone to represent you, ya know?" my response "actually no, there are lots of other things I want to represent me... (in an awkward laugh voice combo while looking at the ground)"And there it was. decided for me. crystal clear. the exact reason I didn't want to pay for a data plan and a schnazy (thats how i spell it) phone. I dont want to be obsessed with my phone. I dont want to be synced in with all my outlets at once all day long. I dont want to be someone who puts their freaking phone on the table when I'm out with friends or getting coffee with someone. I don't want to have my phone always in my back pocket so I can check it every. time. something. irrelevant. happens. on. twitter. or facebook. or pinterest. or wherever. I want to be p.r.e.s.e.n.t with whoever I am with whenever it is all the time. I hate sitting in a room with people and every pulls out their phone and zones out. I hate it. So that is my decision and my odd conviction about data plans and fancy cell phones.

I have all my folders from college categorized by year and semester. Some special classes are even bound in a new notebook version.

I own a pair of crocs for the sole purpose of showering at the gym. Guilty.

Daily I have to fight the urge of cleaning and organizing my house until perfection. I will do this until 4 am if left to my own desires. I have to verbally will myself to leave something out or messy so that I won't go into cleaning overload. [once I start cleaning I h.a.t.e. leaving it "unfinished" every room has to be done].

I wish I was more techy and knew how to make my blog look cool and glitzy and such. I am a computer lame-o.

Sometimes I watch movies that I know will make me cry on purpose. Crying can feel good sometimes.

I dont know which I want more. To have my masters already or to have babies. [I know that by saying that people will flip out about these things 1. youre not old enough yet, just wait 2. you dont have enough money yet, just wait 3. you guys should travel more, just wait 4. babies change everything, just wait. and on and on.] AND just because I say that, doesn't mean I'm trying to have one. Can't I feel something without actually doing that!? Yes. That doesn't mean I'm trying to make it happen okay! It amazes me what people say to me about having kids without me even talking about it [more on that later]. Everyone relax! Ha! I'm just sayin!

I made my F.I.R.S.T batch of chocolate chip cookies O.F. M.Y. L.I.F.E. yesterday on my own. Well with my little cousin as my assistant (she was spending the night). And I didn't burn a single one.

Penny from "Happy Endings" is my favorite character on tv. I love her spunk and off humor and just overall attitude. Love it. Such a funny show.

I talk about my nephews as if they were my own kids. I love them. I cannot wait for the two that are due in May! AH! Heart. Exploding.

I secretly want to write a devotional for high school girls. Specifically about making their faith their own without the "camp high" or "mountain top experience" driving them. About learning how to change their lives in a way that enables them to be present in their walk with God. [I've told a few people about it, and now the blog-o-sphere so it's not really a secret...] what do you think friends?

Today I bought a homeless man Taco Bell because he asked. He said, "I'm just really hungry. Can you help me?" And so I happened to have just sold an old useless watch to a gold for cash man [random I know- but I'm on this purging spree so I'll tell you about it later]. I said sure, lets go in. When we got in, he asked how much was okay for him to get? I told him to get whatever he wanted [fearfully afraid after saying it that he might order like 40 things and I'd have to explain to Kevin why I spent 80 dollars at Taco Bell... But you know what he ordered? Two chicken chalupas. That's it. I offered for him to get a drink too, thinking he must be thirsty, and he only asked for a cup of water. The total came to $8.12. He also asked if I had any money for his bus back to the shelter. It was $2.00. What do you know I sold the broken watch for $10.00. Two other stores wouldn't buy the watch. But this last one I tried paid just enough for this man to get food and on the bus. [Sure maybe the two bucks went somewhere else we could speculate, but I'm trusting God on his provision in this moment]. And as I looked in his eyes, before I could say God bless him, he met my gaze and said it to me. Isn't it amazing when you do things for others because God is telling you to in your heart, that they feel it on the other side? If you don't know what I'm talking about, go do something that makes you uncomfortable, but that you know is right. And I promise you will experience what I am talking about.

Worship Wednesday

So from now on, I am going to do my best to post a few videos of worship songs that I love or that God is speaking to me through on Wednesdays. I hope to encourage you as you surf the web into Pinterest bliss... Or whatever you have to accomplish online. I hope that God will use this music to minister to you. To reach you mid week and remind you that He loves you. To remind you that He desires your praise. To remind you that He is a good God. A gracious and loving God who longs to be close to our hearts. So I pray that it will refresh you. Enjoy.

First Time.

Today, for the first time, I told someone that I want to get my Masters in Social Work to work with Adoption and Teen Mothers- and they told me well done. She told me how incredible that is. How emotionally challenging yet rewarding it will be. With a smile on her face she encouraged me.

The troubling part was, she is a complete stranger. My friends Grandmother. She is visiting them this weekend, and while they were out, they decided to stop by and introduce us.

I can't tell you how many times I have told people about what I want to do. About what God has called me to. And how passionate I am about it. And how many times they've changed the subject. Told me I should do something that makes more money. Told me it is "hard" and "not that fun". There have been maybe, maybe a handful that recognize how important this is to me. Maybe a few have understood my love, my grief, and my desire to help these young women. Many make jokes about the fact that maybe I just watch baby shows, or teen mom because I want to have a baby myself. Many mock my passion for new life. For pregnancy, birth, and family.

But not today. Today I felt so affirmed. So appreciated. From a stranger.

Not that I am not confident in what God has called me to do, I am. And I . will. do. it.
But as sweet as it was, it was hard. Hard to think about all those who know me and love me that don't understand me. That hear possible financial hardship instead of my dreams. That see a salary number instead of my heart. That see worldly value instead of the heavenly gift that is valuing life, every life, especially the life of a newborn child. That see working in a painful and gut wrenching field such as Social Work, as less meaningful than something that is "fun" or "makes better money" or "could still help people with less work"...

And so it stung a bit as I thought of all the times that I had other reactions from friends and family. It stung a little more to think about all the times I have crushed someone else as they poured out their dreams. All the times I made suggestions instead of truly hearing someone. All the times I looked past the joy and passion of a few simple words "I want to do _______ with my life" and carried onto where I got my sweater...

Are you hearing what I am saying friends?

I thank God for that interaction today. Not because it gave me a momentary joy of feeling understood and valued, but it brought me to my knees before God of ALL the times I've done the exact same thing. Please God let me see through the noise and simply hear peoples hearts. Help me to see them through your eyes. The love them how they need to be loved in the moments I encounter them. God I pray that you give us a renewed sense of purpose. That we would stop seeing life in means of salary, retirement money, bank accounts, and "stability" and that we would see fragile, needy, longing hearts who desire to feel your comfort. That we would seek to serve YOU alone in our "career" (whatever that is anyways. our job is to spread your gospel. all else simply enables us to do so.)

Father. Help us to love. others. as. ourselves. Help us avoid taking the easy road. Give us a desire to FEEL above the desire to numb ourselves with vices. Lord pour out your spirit of mercy upon us to seek out those in need. The hungry, the lonely, the sick, the widow, the orphan Lord. For we were orphans Lord. Father reveal the gifts you've given us, give us strength to do and obey what you have called us to do. Let us choose love again and again and again, even as a stranger.

"Life's Calling"

My good friend recently wrote about our understanding of our "calling" in life. I like what she had to say. 

Too often I get lost. We all get lost- on what God is calling us to do, as if it starts and ends with one action- one career- one dream. We miss the mark when we see His world with such tunnel vision. Here is what she has to say. 

"Since working as a nurse, I've wrestled with my understanding of life calling. I believe God calls us to work in places where our strengths and passions meet His needs in the world. Work, for every person, can be used for God's kingdom. I'm not sure that is as simplistic as I imagined in college. Work does not define me nor will it sustain me. Work cannot measure my worth. Work cannot fulfill me. Only God can do this. My successes and failures at work do not validate or invalidate my ministry. When I say ministry, I'm referring to the way in which God asks me to act in the world, to experience His love and transformation, and in thanks be missional, expressing His love to others and taking His Church to the world. When I look at my career to be affirming and rewarding, not only am I disappointed, but I become bitter and ungrateful. This has been my struggle. Learning to rest in God, seeking his love and affirmation."

Such a good reminder. Our ONLY fulfillment can be found in God. Praise Him for that. 

In my life.

"Teacher Cawnee, always remember to pull up your undies" (while taking a little one to the potty)

"Teacher Cabalee, if we don't throw our trash away, it.. it.. it.. will hurt mother natures feelings"

"Teacher Collee, I sorry I rude" (after a long class...)

"Teacher Colleen, I've got a poop. A really big poop. It's huge" (just plain random)

"Teacher, God loves even me." (during circle time)

"Teacher Coneen, it's time to be angry" (when he didn't like what his seat partner was up to)

"Teacher Coneen, I put my list-er-een ears on now" (after missing recess)

"No teacher, I no sing songs, I sit alone now" (putting himself in the "Time Alone" chair)

Kid 1 "In my sleep, a ninja man kicked me out of bed and dog ate my hand!"
Kid 2 "In my sleep, apple juice"

So I'm on a journey.

Okay. So I am on this journey.

This journey that God keeps calling me to. This journey that I know is going to change my life and the way I live it dramatically. Even though I keep looking away from it, I know it is going to happen. God is calling me, convicting me, bringing things into my awareness that I cannot avoid. And I just feel it. Have you ever felt like that? That you were on the brink of change? That you were so close to something big that you got goosebumps for no reason? Well that is the place I am at.

It feels good. and it feels scary. It feels like I am acknowledging that God is asking me to give up. GIve up all that I have made valuable in my life. Give up the worth I have placed on things. stuff. ideals. dreams. He is telling me that He will bring he new dreams. better dreams. And as I state the obvious to you, it still sounds like some extreme thing. right? Wrong. God calls us throughout the entire Bible to cast our idols aside and have no other God but him.

"Colleen stop being so extreme, so dramatic, God gave us these things to enjoy!"

Enjoying something God gave you, and putting something before God (either with time, devotion to that thing, or the use of that thing to avoid God) are entirely different.

Yes. God made the earth for us to inhabit and use. But he commands us not to have idols. And boy have we turned every last thing into an idol on this earth. I know for certain I am not the only one who has. Whether we are aware of it or not- we have. We have put value, worth, time, money into the entertaining, the flashy, the new, the bigger and better, the material. The things that will rot and rust and fade into the earth. Obviously I know this is not a new thing. Since the fall we have placed value on almost everything we can instead of God alone. I know that I am not speaking words that are changing you to your core right now. These are not new thoughts. We know them. Yet we fail miserably at correcting them. Selfishly, lustfully, jealously, we fail.

I just wrote and deleted and rewrote and deleted again the list of excuses we make about why we don't do the things we are called to do, and the real reasons we arent willing to make the sacrifices and changes. I deleted them because I not only do not want to condemn others, but I dont want to condemn myself as well. That won't help. We need to channel Gods love and incredible grace as the means to change our focus and fulfill the emptiness we continue to cram other idols into (i.e. computer, tv, cars, clothes, make up, food, sex, gossip, status) into the place that only God can fill, because only God created us and knows us and made us to be with Him.  Only God can change us. Condemnation of the self and others will not. Does that mean we should make excuses- NO. Does it mean that we should not repent and ask for God's forgiveness for putting worthless crap above Him- NO. We must ask. Does it mean we should wait until we FEEL we can overcome these obstacles- NO. We will never feel that way. That is the problem. We will always desire the instant gratification that those stated previously bring to us. We will always want an instant feeling or distraction that idols bring into our lives. And so presents our great need for God's grace and healing touch. Only He can change us. Fulfill us. Make us new.

You can buy new clothes, drive a new car, live in a bigger and better house, you can even become a different person with all the surgeries in the world for your external body. But you will remain the same inside. Only God can change who we are internally. Only God can empower us to take those steps. And I trust that He will. I pray that He will. I need Him too. You need Him to. He has so much more for our lives than what we think life is about.

So why am I saying all of this? I'm not sure. God put it on my heart to write about. And so I will. I hope you read it as an encouraging challenge and not annoying. My intention is to write about things that I have struggled with, and if I do, I am certain there is at least one, and probably many more that struggle with similar things (since we see it throughout the Bible and our history). So please hear my heart. I can only trust that God will use my words to encourage someone, somewhere. To make you think. To make me think. To help me grow.

Here are the scriptures that God has placed in front of me, addressing some of these issues I have been working on.

Matthew 23: 25-28
" Woe to you, teachers of the law and Pharisees, you hypocrites! You clean the outside of the cup and dish, but inside they are full of greed and self-indulgence. Blind Pharisee! First clean the inside of the cup and dish, and then the outside also will be clean. We to you teachers of the law and Pharisees. You are like whitewashed tombs, which look beautiful on the outside but on the inside are full of dead men's bones and everything unclean. In the same way, on the outside you appear to people as righteous, but on the inside you are full of hypocrisy and wickedness."

Matthew 6:2-4, 19-24
" Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy, and where thieves break in and steal. But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moth and rust do not break in and steal. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.

The eye is the lamp of the body. If your eyes are good, your whole body will be full of light. But if your eyes are bad, your whole body will be full of darkness. If then the light within you is darkness, how great is that darkness.

No one can serve two masters. Either he will hate the one and love the other, or he will be devoted to the one and despise the other. You cannot serve both God and Money."

" So when you give to the needy, do not announce it with trumpets, as the hypocrits do in the synagogues and on the streets, to be honored by men. I tell you the truth they have received their reward in full. But when you give to they needy, do not let your left hand know what your right hand is doing, so that your giving may be in secret. Then your Father, who sees what is done in secret, will reward you.

Luke 12: 32-34  (Read Luke 12 in its entirety to get a better glimpse of the story)
"Do not be afraid, little flock, for your Father has been please to give you the kingdom. Sell your possessions and give to the poor. Provide purses for yourselves that will not wear out, a treasure in heaven that will not be exhausted, where no thief comes near and no moth destroys. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also."

He is calling me over and over to make this change. To get to my basics. To sell those things that are excess and that I have put too much worth in. So I am writing it here- so you will see and hold me accountable. I am going to create an account to sell some stuff and the money I have made, I am going to donate it to a few places. I will let you know what the next step is. I am also going to plan a six month devotional through the Bible. I will post on how I am doing it so if you want to join me, you can! Please pray for me in this situation. I have much more to write on this topic. Thank you friends.

Follow Him.

Have you ever wondered what God made you to do?

Have you ever wanted to spend the rest of your life doing something, but felt you couldn't because of money? 

Because of what others would think?

Have you ever had people tell you to do what makes the most money?

Have you ever felt like your dreams are so far away?

Why?

What is it stopping you from take.the.step?

Step towards it.

Volunteer. 

Do what you love for FREE.

Do what you love with nothing in return.

I promise God will honor it.

Sigh a breath of relief. A breath of joy. 

He wants to bring you to that joy. 

Follow Him.

Follow Him.

Follow Him.

Please. You. Will. Not. Regret. It. 

Have you ever been afraid to take the leap?

JUMP! 

The worst is that you fall and skin your knee. 

Wounds can heal. 

Opportunities cannot come again.

Be who you want to be. 

Whoever you are. 

Be. 

Follow Him. 

Follow His call.

Follow your convictions.

Follow His word.

Follow His son.

Follow His spirit and its leading.

Follow what is honest and true.

Follow Him.