My silence here has none been due to "writer's block" or "not knowing what to say"...
It's because I have TOO MUCH to say.
So much has happened in these last 6 months of being home. Yesterday makes it 6 months.
It doens't feel real, but it does.
It doesn't feel like home, but it is.
It doesn't feel bad, but it hurts.
It isn't lonely, but it is.
The list.goes.on.
Here I am stuck within the new reality of our lives, still feeling like I am spinning. This new reality that we are no longer in Seattle, no longer on
that road. No longer taking on a
new town. No longer "just the two of us". We are back to the familiar, the circus of LA. Back to the feeling of never ending events. Back to the blessing of business, of friends and family, of celebrations, of football games and weddings and birthdays and church celebrations and on and on the blessings go.
But can I tell you something friends?
It doens't feel like blessings.
It feels like I want to stomp my feet and pound my fists and scream to everyone that I am dissatisfied. I want to take my yucky attitude and spread it all around. I want to shout my ungratefulness from the mountain tops.
But the good thing is, God won't let me. Thankfully.
How stubborn and rotten my heart is. How selfish and childish and unrelenting.
If you think I am being harsh, I wish you could see the depth of my pettiness right now.
Friends, my heart is sad. (I don't feel good writing it but it's true).
I find that I am grieving so many things that I just have a bad attitude. worse than bad. Thankfully God works in spite of us. Thankfully he knows our emotional games. He knows all of our plays. This isn't cat and mouse. Not with Him.
I want so bad to just sit in my mess and cry-no-sulk-no-hit things-no-pout. I can go on and on. I'm unhappy that my "plans" changed. That my mother in law is sick. That my bubble has been burst and I am forced to see the world, to see life so differently. I am sad because I live in the questions of what ifs. I am sad because I my little world I built up in my head isn't my reality. I am sad because I didn't get what I wanted how I want it. And man I am just being a brat about it.
That is the honest truth. The best thing about truth is, God's truth reveals that my truth isn't really truth to begin with! Say what?
My truth is my perception of my scenario and my refusal to see God's workmanship in my life.
This "truth" of my situation is not truth. It's a slide of a clip of a part of a movie that is so much bigger. I am thankful for that. He has so much more going on than the pitty party I keep playing myself. He keeps showering me with joys, whether I want them or not. With friendship, with family, with jobs, with bible studies, with outreach, with volunteer ministry, with opportunities, with kind words, with sunshine, with food and water and shelter. The good news is NOTHING can rain on God's parade. Not my selfishness, not my foolishness, not my anger, not my hurts, not my anything.
So while I have sat and sat and sat some more in this silence, having so much to say, so much to write, so much to feel, he has filled that with Himself. He is here. He is present. He has greater things for me. He wipes my tears and filth and prunes the rotten fruit from my tree, and he nudges me to keep on moving. Keep pulling apples off the tree and giving them to others. Keeps asking me to be a blessing. Keeps asking me to give. Keeps asking me to lead. Keeps asking me to pray. Keeps asking me to be the same me that was "following my plans" there, here.
And so I will. No more silence. No more rotten fruit.
I am here. I am present. I want to be a blessing. That is the only way out of this silence.
Pray with me friends. What is God pushing you through today? This week? This month? This year? I'd love to hear it. I love you, God loves you, and you are so special. Please know it? Thanks.
